Hilarious Quotes from my Life III

I tried to kiss M'Lady in the morning.
M'LADY:Wait, I need to brush my teeth.
ME:I should probably brush my teeth again.
M'LADY:Why?
ME: Cuz I just ate nuts.
M'LADY: Does it even need to be said?

M'LADY: I wish I had a butch body. I just look so much better in femme clothes.
ME: You can wear whatever you want honey, but, yeah,I know what you mean. You really do have an incredible hourglass figure.
M'LADY: Nowadays it's more like an hour-and-a-half-glass figure.

In response to Super Day's "She the Wetest in the Building SFW"
video.
ME:Wet like a leopard slug, wet as a waterfall. Twisted puppy fucker try to fuck me like a pedophile.
M'LADY:When I put it in your face you might just drown, I will give you a snorkle and you can go down
ME:Can't skip a skip rock cuz I'm not a lake, punk. Just because I'm wet don't mean I want a rock thrown in my junk
M'LADY:If you put peanut butter trying to get your dog to lick me(long pause, beat drops) I WILL SHOOT YOU, SON.
ME:Fuck Thanksgiving turkey, don't you know I need a tube steak. My pussy ain't no oven, bitch but it wet like a tres leches cake.

ME:I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to be horny. I want to WANT to have sex with you. Like the other night, when you started licking me, I clammed up...Oh my god. I didn't mean to say that. Hahahahahaha!

FRIEND:Facebook suspended my account until I removed the whale vagina!!
ME:Really? That's ridiculous!
FRIEND:Isn't it? I'm guessing someone reported it?
ME:Who would do that? Oh well, let's just draw vaginas instead and say they're flowers.
FRIEND:Yay!! Awesome!! Censorship is dumb. Especially when it's an animal's genitalia..Makes no sense to me...It's not like it was a gang raping video
ME:How would you gang rape a whale?
FRIEND:Idk...Killer whales, maybe. They are rude.
ME:They're more likely to, you know, kill. Maybe a hammer head shark, a gang of em. Asshole sharks raping the poor whale vagina.
FRIEND:That whale was asking for it. Putting her vagina out there on the interweb.
ME:No way. No means no, whether you understand sonar or not.
For real ya'll. No means no. An absence of a no does not equal a yes. This is not meant to belittle victims of rape, but rather advocate for them, regardless of species.



THIS POST WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY FLOWERS

Hilarious quotes from my life PART II

M'LADY: Do you think you can draw me a picture of a vagina with dreadlocks?

ME: Son, what are you doing with that toothbrush? During shower time.
THE BOY: I'm brushing the elephant's teeth!HINT: The elephant is his penis. He then proceeds to play the drums with the toothbrush on his butt.
ME:Oh, I see. You know your dad brushes his teeth with that, right?
THE BOY: OH!!!! I better wash it off.

ME: What do you get when you cross a pair of glasses and a potato?
M'LADY: What?
ME: A spectator!
M'LADY: Dork!

ME: Asked during maternity clinical orientation. Are we actually going to be doing the vaginal exams to feel cervical dilation?
INSTRUCTOR: Yes you will.
UNNAMED CLASSMATE: Whispering. We're gonna be a'fistin'

ME: Son, do you feel like you have a lot of pressure on you?
THE BOY: Getting all worked up.Yes. I can't do everything. Everyone wants me to do all these things. I can't do everything! I can't fold clothes! I can't fly!"
ME: Stifling nearly uncontrollable laughter.

BACK STORY: My wife tricked me into drinking pee by saying what was in a cup in the car was pineapple Fanta. There was a Fanta logo on the cup. She's my wife. Of course I believed her. When I asked why she would make me drink her pee, she looked at me and asked why I thought she would pee in the car. Turns out the pee was our son's. She then called her sports team, Team Fanta. They had yellow bandanas. Bitch. I was on the yellow team the next week and she was on pink.

FACEBOOK POST: Team Fanta wins 10-9. Go Team Fanta!
M'LADY: When I'm on the yellow team it's called Team Fanta. When she's on the yellow team it's called Team I-drank-pee.

After putting the finishing paint touch ups on the apartment I was moving out of, I spill the entire paint can on the carpet.
ME: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-noooooooooo! I knew this was going to happen! Why me!?!?!?!?
M'LADY: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. She literally rolled on the floor laughing
ME: I guess that was a bit dramatic.

During our first game of Magic the Gathering. This conversation took place with dramatic intentional lisps.
M'LADY: Oh my God, it'sth the Human Berztherker.
ME: Oh thit.



THIS POST WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DRAMATICS

Hilarious quotes from my life

A FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND:In reference to the 12", 5 lb black dildo dubbed "Big Boy" my girlfriend forced me to bring out at a party. "Is that what you wanted me to get you at the store?"
FRIEND: "I said I wanted a vibrator, not an elephant cock!"

ME: "[The Blogess] is awesome! She has a polydactyl kitten!"
CLAUDEGIRL: "Does that mean it can read minds?"

ME: "What cut of beef makes the most money?"
FRIENDS: "I dunno. What?"
ME: "Strip steak." Hehehehe. I made a funny.

COWORKER: "What? What?" In reference to yet another computer problem.
ME: "In the butt." I have no filter. At all.
ME AND CLAUDEGIRL: "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
If you don't know what that refers to, watch this:


LESBIAN COWORKER: After a discussion about transgender surgery and gag gifts."Have you ever seen fake nuts?"
ME: "Yeah. No. Yeah. Wait, what kind of fake nuts are you talking about?"
LESBIAN COWORKER: "You know, fake nuts."
ME: "You mean the toy kind or the dildo kind?" And then I blush.
LESBIAN COWORKER: "Um, the kind you get from surgery."
ME: "Riiiiiggggghhht."

ME: At my first baby shower ever. "What do you call poo flavored baby food?"
FRIEND'S SISTER "What?"
ME: "Two babies one cup! Heyo!" That is an original, thank you very much.
FRIEND'S SISTER: "Ew!" She calls her sister over. "I don't want to sit next to her anymore."

ME: "Hey honey, you want to hear a joke i just made up about you?"
GIRLFRIEND: "Sure."
ME: "Ok, here goes. My girlfriend loves bacon so much, going down on her violates kosher law."
GIRLFRIEND: Giggling. "That's why I love you."

CROATIAN COWORKER: In reference to the picture of a man holding a fawn.
"Is that a penguin?"
ME: Laughing hysterically. "Um, no. It's a fawn."
CROATIAN COWORKER: "You mean it's not a penguin. You know, the thing that jumps around on two legs?"
ME: "You mean a kangaroo?" Tears are forming in my eyes from laughter.
CROATIAN COWORKER: "No, I thought it's penguin."
ME: "Well it's a fawn. A baby deer. You know, like Bambi?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "What is Bambi?"
ME: "Do they not have Disney where you're from?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "They don't have this where I come from."
CLAUDEGIRL: "They don't have animals where you come from?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "All we have is cow and bear."
T%ears are pouring down my air choked, reddened face as I cross my legs, fearing I will piss myself.
ME: "Here, they look like this when they grow up?" I point to an image of a full grown deer.
CROATIAN COWORKER: "Oh! I know this one. I hit this one with car!" She's beaming.
CLAUDEGIRL: "You hit Bambi?" how can she not be on the floor in a ball in hysterics like i am?
CROATIAN COWORKER: "You know, I was hit by truck."
CLAUDEGIRL: "Woah! Like a truck-truck?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "By 18-wheeler. I was hit three times."
ME: Making the straightest trying-not-to-burst-into-a-laughing-puddle face as possible. "Were you hit by three 18-wheelers, or just one 18-wheeler three times?" Claudegirl hits me.
CROATIAN COWORKER: "It was same truck hit me three times. It was when I was sixteen. It ran over my head. I was in hospital long time."
ME: "That explains a lot." Oh. Shit. Damn you faulty brain-to-mouth filter!

After a million apologies speckled with uncontrollable laughter and Claudegirl hitting me several times, Croatian Coworker said it was cool. I don't think she was offended. Probably because she was run over so many time. Please don't hate me. A real life conversation like that is a gold mine. It would have been a waste not to let other people enjoy it.



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