Hilarious quotes from my life

A FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND:In reference to the 12", 5 lb black dildo dubbed "Big Boy" my girlfriend forced me to bring out at a party. "Is that what you wanted me to get you at the store?"
FRIEND: "I said I wanted a vibrator, not an elephant cock!"

ME: "[The Blogess] is awesome! She has a polydactyl kitten!"
CLAUDEGIRL: "Does that mean it can read minds?"

ME: "What cut of beef makes the most money?"
FRIENDS: "I dunno. What?"
ME: "Strip steak." Hehehehe. I made a funny.

COWORKER: "What? What?" In reference to yet another computer problem.
ME: "In the butt." I have no filter. At all.
ME AND CLAUDEGIRL: "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
If you don't know what that refers to, watch this:


LESBIAN COWORKER: After a discussion about transgender surgery and gag gifts."Have you ever seen fake nuts?"
ME: "Yeah. No. Yeah. Wait, what kind of fake nuts are you talking about?"
LESBIAN COWORKER: "You know, fake nuts."
ME: "You mean the toy kind or the dildo kind?" And then I blush.
LESBIAN COWORKER: "Um, the kind you get from surgery."
ME: "Riiiiiggggghhht."

ME: At my first baby shower ever. "What do you call poo flavored baby food?"
FRIEND'S SISTER "What?"
ME: "Two babies one cup! Heyo!" That is an original, thank you very much.
FRIEND'S SISTER: "Ew!" She calls her sister over. "I don't want to sit next to her anymore."

ME: "Hey honey, you want to hear a joke i just made up about you?"
GIRLFRIEND: "Sure."
ME: "Ok, here goes. My girlfriend loves bacon so much, going down on her violates kosher law."
GIRLFRIEND: Giggling. "That's why I love you."

CROATIAN COWORKER: In reference to the picture of a man holding a fawn.
"Is that a penguin?"
ME: Laughing hysterically. "Um, no. It's a fawn."
CROATIAN COWORKER: "You mean it's not a penguin. You know, the thing that jumps around on two legs?"
ME: "You mean a kangaroo?" Tears are forming in my eyes from laughter.
CROATIAN COWORKER: "No, I thought it's penguin."
ME: "Well it's a fawn. A baby deer. You know, like Bambi?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "What is Bambi?"
ME: "Do they not have Disney where you're from?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "They don't have this where I come from."
CLAUDEGIRL: "They don't have animals where you come from?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "All we have is cow and bear."
T%ears are pouring down my air choked, reddened face as I cross my legs, fearing I will piss myself.
ME: "Here, they look like this when they grow up?" I point to an image of a full grown deer.
CROATIAN COWORKER: "Oh! I know this one. I hit this one with car!" She's beaming.
CLAUDEGIRL: "You hit Bambi?" how can she not be on the floor in a ball in hysterics like i am?
CROATIAN COWORKER: "You know, I was hit by truck."
CLAUDEGIRL: "Woah! Like a truck-truck?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "By 18-wheeler. I was hit three times."
ME: Making the straightest trying-not-to-burst-into-a-laughing-puddle face as possible. "Were you hit by three 18-wheelers, or just one 18-wheeler three times?" Claudegirl hits me.
CROATIAN COWORKER: "It was same truck hit me three times. It was when I was sixteen. It ran over my head. I was in hospital long time."
ME: "That explains a lot." Oh. Shit. Damn you faulty brain-to-mouth filter!

After a million apologies speckled with uncontrollable laughter and Claudegirl hitting me several times, Croatian Coworker said it was cool. I don't think she was offended. Probably because she was run over so many time. Please don't hate me. A real life conversation like that is a gold mine. It would have been a waste not to let other people enjoy it.



THIS POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WEIRDO THOUGHT BUBBLE

The Weirdo Thought Bubble

There are those situations in life where one comes across people who are just effin weird. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with weird. I revel in weirdness. I went for 3 weeks eating whole cucumbers as snacks at work. I'm kind of a weirdo. That is exactly what a weirdo thought bubble is for. You see weirdo Dixie walking around nom nom nom-ing a whole cucumber and you think, weirdo. You see a guy walking around with underwear on the outside of his shorts, time for a weirdo thought bubble. Your mom tells you she thinks Bristol Palin is the coolest thing since sliced bread ever since she got on that Dancing with the Stars show, definitely time for a weirdo thought bubble. I mean take this for example:


I mean what the hell? It is quite obvious that dog is so ugly that it is hideous. You can't even tell it is a dog. It might be an obese skunk that got its tail chopped off in a near death experience with a bear trap. Or maybe someone gave growth hormones to their long haired guinea pig, it got mange, and developed Cushing's disease. It definitely isn't cute. Nothing is so ugly it's cute. Some things are so ugly you feel sorry for them so you want to make them feel better. Still not cute. That guy is definitely a weirdo, and thus the necessity for the weirdo thought bubble.