Sunday, May 15, 2011

Something Serious

I'm not the most appropriate person I know. I'm not the most appropriate person you know, most likely (If I am I, want to meet your friends).That being said, what I'm about to talk about is serious. I urge you to pull yourself together and be serious, for once, GODDAMMIT!

I have a problem.

It's somewhat embarrassing.

I pee when I laugh or cough sometimes.

I hear this is a normal phenomenon for women who have given birth. I have a 5 year old son. Well step son actually. I didn't ACTUALLY give birth to him. To tell you the truth, I have never been pregnant.

It is also something that may occur in the elderly due to aging, although incontinence is not something that one has to live with, according to the doctors. I am 27 years old.

A great teacher of mine once said, "If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis." Thank you Billy Madison. Well, the old lady in Billy Madison. Those are encouraging words, but I am not, nor will I ever be Miles Davis.

So here I am, a 27 year old piss pot who is just above Justin Beiber on the cool scale. I mean, what am I to do?

The logical ones of the bunch are all ready to point out the need for the involvement of a physician. I'll have you know I have learned quite a bit about incontinence in school. I'm pretty sure I can figure this out. It isn't like it happens everyday, just ocassionally. It's called stress incontinence. I don't even pee enough to be noticeable, unless you have a really strong sense of smell. (I drink a lot of coffee. No for real. When I smell coffee brewing I wonder why the room smells like piss).

The thought of wearing a diaper is ridiculous. My pants are just too tight for all that nonsense. Anyways, that would be like using a dump truck when you need a micro machine.

Then there's always the pantyliner, but I don't even use those when I'm menstruating. Plus, there is always the unfortunate possibility that my partner would start calling my "yellow wings." I have enough nicknames already.

I could run to the bathroom everytime I have to cough or sneeze, but due to the untimely nature of those almost involuntary actions, that just won't work.

Maybe I need to up my kegal count. It's funny how every time I mention kegal exercises I HAVE to start doing them. That's right folks, I have already done ten kegals while writing this line. If you don't know what kegals are, watch this:

I could always look at this as a blessing. I mean, at least I don't have to change my pants every hour. It barely happens. Really. Maybe once a month. I'm not lying. I could have an anovaginal fistula and live in a hovel outside of my parents house in Africa after being disowned from my husband who kept the dowry of 4 goats. That bastard!

Or I could take advantage of the fact that I have insurance and tell the doctor. I guess I'll do that. Remind me to make an appointment.


What keeps a surfer upright?

wait for it...wait for it...

His verte-BRAH!