Hilarious Quotes from my Life III

I tried to kiss M'Lady in the morning.
M'LADY:Wait, I need to brush my teeth.
ME:I should probably brush my teeth again.
M'LADY:Why?
ME: Cuz I just ate nuts.
M'LADY: Does it even need to be said?

M'LADY: I wish I had a butch body. I just look so much better in femme clothes.
ME: You can wear whatever you want honey, but, yeah,I know what you mean. You really do have an incredible hourglass figure.
M'LADY: Nowadays it's more like an hour-and-a-half-glass figure.

In response to Super Day's "She the Wetest in the Building SFW"
video.
ME:Wet like a leopard slug, wet as a waterfall. Twisted puppy fucker try to fuck me like a pedophile.
M'LADY:When I put it in your face you might just drown, I will give you a snorkle and you can go down
ME:Can't skip a skip rock cuz I'm not a lake, punk. Just because I'm wet don't mean I want a rock thrown in my junk
M'LADY:If you put peanut butter trying to get your dog to lick me(long pause, beat drops) I WILL SHOOT YOU, SON.
ME:Fuck Thanksgiving turkey, don't you know I need a tube steak. My pussy ain't no oven, bitch but it wet like a tres leches cake.

ME:I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to be horny. I want to WANT to have sex with you. Like the other night, when you started licking me, I clammed up...Oh my god. I didn't mean to say that. Hahahahahaha!

FRIEND:Facebook suspended my account until I removed the whale vagina!!
ME:Really? That's ridiculous!
FRIEND:Isn't it? I'm guessing someone reported it?
ME:Who would do that? Oh well, let's just draw vaginas instead and say they're flowers.
FRIEND:Yay!! Awesome!! Censorship is dumb. Especially when it's an animal's genitalia..Makes no sense to me...It's not like it was a gang raping video
ME:How would you gang rape a whale?
FRIEND:Idk...Killer whales, maybe. They are rude.
ME:They're more likely to, you know, kill. Maybe a hammer head shark, a gang of em. Asshole sharks raping the poor whale vagina.
FRIEND:That whale was asking for it. Putting her vagina out there on the interweb.
ME:No way. No means no, whether you understand sonar or not.
For real ya'll. No means no. An absence of a no does not equal a yes. This is not meant to belittle victims of rape, but rather advocate for them, regardless of species.



THIS POST WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY FLOWERS

DEATH MATCH: RED vs. WOODEN STICK OF DESTRUCTION

In this corner we see Red, a ninjamallow who doesn't mess around. He's seen more bubbling bodies of marshmallow cream destruction than the rest of the ninjamallow crew combined, which has left him a mere shell of a mallow. His strengths include anger explosions and cementing stickiness. His major weakness is triggers from past combat in the heat of the fires of retribution.

In this corner we see a stick. Okay, fine. It's not just a stick, it's The Wooden Stick of Destruction. What a douche bag. You know he got to pick his own name. Who would want to be The Wooden Stick of Destruction? I think he should be called the Wooden Stick of Douchebaggery. He thinks he's so great because he came from a tree. Too bad he's like the toenail clipping of a Great Oak. Oooooh, how scary. His strengtth is that he's pointy as fuck and can dish out one hell of a jab. His weakness, besides being a big wooden douchey douche bag, is that he can be snapped like a twig.

NOTE: This commentator is not biased, I don't care what you say.

NOW ON TO THE FIGHT...

The two start with equally cutting insults. The Wooden Stick of Destruction is definitely using his knowledge of Red's weakness here, but the mention of s'mores isn't quite enough to cause our ninjamallow to waiver. In line with this commentator's observation of the douchebag, I mean Sticky Stick of Destructing Things or Whatever, Red points out how insignificant his opponent seems in the grande scheme of things. The stick has held firm though and it's time for blows.

The Wooden Stick of Destruction launched, javelin like, through the air aiming for Red's center. Red didn't waste a second, jumping just inches above the stick's trajectory. The stick's speed was not fast enough for the ninjamallow, but it was fast enough to cause an intensely painful dive into the ground. Red jumped on the chance.

He cemented himself into a suger rock, smashing into the Douche Canoe Twig of Idiocy. A resounding BLAM! filled the arena, throwing dust and lightning into the air. The haze began to settle as the crowd inched to the edge of their seats...

The cement slam worked! Red won. It was a ninjamallow victory! The crowd roared with excitement. Meanwhile, the Wooden Stick of Destruction (and Douchebaggery) didn't do anything. Because he was dead. Because it was a death match.




THIS POST WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PROCRASTINATION