Sunday, June 16, 2013

Friends, Fears, and Flan

I was visiting some of my best friends in the whole entire universe the other day. We hung out for hours at a coffee shop talking about rigor mortis and poetry, old bones that could either be linked to a decades old murder or someone's thrown out chicken dinner, anthropology, tattoos, and watermelon (see video below for more watermelon adventures from the one and only, Hartbeat).

It was a blast. I made a new friend, drank some amazing coffee (thanks to Houston's Black Hole Coffee House), and basked in the glorious feeling of being cocooned in the cacophony of those who understand me.

After the caffeine had successfully saturated my entire being, we decided to head out for some grub. It made sense to take one car since there were only four people. Our car smells like farts and seven-year-old-boy-spilled-everything, so I delightfully chose to go in our friend's car. That's when she said it.

"Neither of you are scared of cockroaches, are you?"

I started to sweat a little. My heart rate quickened. M'Lady was in the bathroom, unable to make fun of me in this horrendous situation.

"Yes," I said, "I have a horrible problem with cockroaches." Big swallow. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, there are some cockroaches that have nested in my car, but I haven't seen one today."

What the fuck!!!! Cockroaches. In. The. Car. Noooooo! This is not something my fragile, people pleasing mind is capable of handling. I'm supposed to be all, "Nah, it's okay gurl, I ain't scared of no roach."

Instead, instinct kicked in.

"We're not going in your car. I cannot handle that. No."

Of course, I eventually decided I was being a big 'ol wimp pie and acquiesced to riding in the midst of the nest. It really didn't look that bad. The mess was much smaller than our molded out car. I buckled into the front seat, ready to head out.

"Can you please get out of the car," my friend said in a gentle, but shaky voice.

I jumped out faster than one of those rabbit's from Snatch, held onto the edge of the door, shaking with tears forming in my eyes.

SMASH! She bravely destroyed the beast as I began to crumble into hysteria. Luckily, I really needed to change my tampon, so I excused myself to the bathroom. It turns out periods aren't completely useless. All in all, I think I handled myself pretty well.

After washing my hands (if you don't wash your hands after using the bathroom you are a dirty, filthy person), I got back into the car and we headed to a 24 hour Mexican restaurant. I wasn't hungry so I watched my friends eat guacamole burritos while M'Lady brought up the topic of fisting. The waiter came by and asked if we wanted anything else. Tres Leches? Flan? He had me at creamy, caramel custard. One flan for the bunch.

As it arrived on a simple plate, with a simple fork, gleaming in it's sugary goodness, I could not help but proclaim, "That's FLANTASTIC!"

The waiter simply walked away. If he knows what's good for him, he'll use that line on future customers. Who could resist tipping such genius?

Anyway, the night ended with M'Lady twerkin' 'cross the front window of the restaurant, much to the amusement (or disgust) of the proprietor.


Sunday, March 24, 2013

Hilarious Quotes From My Life PART IV

It's been a VERY long time since I've posted, and lucky for you, that means I've had a lot of time to have funny things happen. Enjoy.

THE BOY: Oh no, oh no, oh no! Can I say a bad word?
ME: Sure, I guess.
THE BOY: Oh SHIT my butt itches so bad! Can you please put some cream on it? Look! It's red!
He proceeds to bend over, spread his cheeks and stare at me with his red eye.
ME: Um, sure.
I go to the cabinet to put saran wrap around my finger before applying lotion. 
THE BOY: Why are you putting tinfoil on my butthole?!!
M'LADY: Seriously?
She proceeds to put her naked rash cream covered fingertip directly on his butt, effectively helping him feel better, being a normal mom, and giving me the willies.

M'LADY: Sophie's always putting her vagina on me! Sophie is the dog.
ME: I've decided to just think of it as a flap of skin. She's always putting her vag on me too.
M'LADY: I guess that makes sense. She's a virgin, right?
Where the hell did that come from and why does it matter? My wife is so weird. We're perfect for each other.

M'LADY: We had a cat that was in heat. She howled all the time.
FRIEND: If I was in heat I'd be howling all the time too. My roommate would be knocking on my door like, "You okay in there?" and I'd answer, "Hooooooowwwwlllllll! Somebody come fuck me! NOW!"
ME: You'd have guys clawing at your door trying to get in. All like, "Damn, she's in heat."
FRIEND: Hell yeah. That'd be amazing!
If I could put Pictionary drawings into quotes, her drawings would be here as well. Hilarious night!

A favorite stanza from a poem I wrote called Only the Good Die Young that I performed at a poetry slam
ME: I will appear frail and sweet
As I feed pop rocks to pigeons
Counting the days down
As my teeth fall out
Longing for dentures
So I can perform vagina dentata
For my caretakers

We recently went to White Sands, NM on a family vacation. We learned that water is available in this desert as little as 30 inches below the earth. We also learned there are Apache mice, amongst several natural inhabitants, native to the area.
M'LADY: Hey buddy, what are you doing?
THE BOY: I'm digging a hole.
M'LADY: I see that. Is it to fill with water? It might take all night for the water to seep up, you know.
THE BOY: I know, mom. This hole is for the kolache mouse!
***Note: For those who don't know, a kolache is sausage wrapped in dough, part of German and Czech cuisine. There are also fruit and cheese varieties. It is similar to a pig in a blanket, but way better.***

In Austin, TX we have this humongous music festival called South by Southwest (SXSW) and for the past few years, a queer venue has popped up called GayBiGayGay. Sometimes you hear some things.
ME: Honey, it's completely okay to say my motorcycle is yours.
M'LADY: But I can't even drive it.
ME: But she was really cute.
M'LADY: You have a point.

QUOTE 1: Thank god it's dark now. Us queens need an excuse to take off our wigs. It's hot in this bitch!

QUOTE 2: Meet us by the inflatable moonwalk, the one that looks like a vagina.