Sunday, March 24, 2013

Hilarious Quotes From My Life PART IV

It's been a VERY long time since I've posted, and lucky for you, that means I've had a lot of time to have funny things happen. Enjoy.

THE BOY: Oh no, oh no, oh no! Can I say a bad word?
ME: Sure, I guess.
THE BOY: Oh SHIT my butt itches so bad! Can you please put some cream on it? Look! It's red!
He proceeds to bend over, spread his cheeks and stare at me with his red eye.
ME: Um, sure.
I go to the cabinet to put saran wrap around my finger before applying lotion. 
THE BOY: Why are you putting tinfoil on my butthole?!!
M'LADY: Seriously?
She proceeds to put her naked rash cream covered fingertip directly on his butt, effectively helping him feel better, being a normal mom, and giving me the willies.

M'LADY: Sophie's always putting her vagina on me! Sophie is the dog.
ME: I've decided to just think of it as a flap of skin. She's always putting her vag on me too.
M'LADY: I guess that makes sense. She's a virgin, right?
Where the hell did that come from and why does it matter? My wife is so weird. We're perfect for each other.

M'LADY: We had a cat that was in heat. She howled all the time.
FRIEND: If I was in heat I'd be howling all the time too. My roommate would be knocking on my door like, "You okay in there?" and I'd answer, "Hooooooowwwwlllllll! Somebody come fuck me! NOW!"
ME: You'd have guys clawing at your door trying to get in. All like, "Damn, she's in heat."
FRIEND: Hell yeah. That'd be amazing!
If I could put Pictionary drawings into quotes, her drawings would be here as well. Hilarious night!

A favorite stanza from a poem I wrote called Only the Good Die Young that I performed at a poetry slam
ME: I will appear frail and sweet
As I feed pop rocks to pigeons
Counting the days down
As my teeth fall out
Longing for dentures
So I can perform vagina dentata
For my caretakers

We recently went to White Sands, NM on a family vacation. We learned that water is available in this desert as little as 30 inches below the earth. We also learned there are Apache mice, amongst several natural inhabitants, native to the area.
M'LADY: Hey buddy, what are you doing?
THE BOY: I'm digging a hole.
M'LADY: I see that. Is it to fill with water? It might take all night for the water to seep up, you know.
THE BOY: I know, mom. This hole is for the kolache mouse!
***Note: For those who don't know, a kolache is sausage wrapped in dough, part of German and Czech cuisine. There are also fruit and cheese varieties. It is similar to a pig in a blanket, but way better.***

In Austin, TX we have this humongous music festival called South by Southwest (SXSW) and for the past few years, a queer venue has popped up called GayBiGayGay. Sometimes you hear some things.
ME: Honey, it's completely okay to say my motorcycle is yours.
M'LADY: But I can't even drive it.
ME: But she was really cute.
M'LADY: You have a point.

QUOTE 1: Thank god it's dark now. Us queens need an excuse to take off our wigs. It's hot in this bitch!

QUOTE 2: Meet us by the inflatable moonwalk, the one that looks like a vagina.


1 comment:

  1. I thought it was called an Apache mouse? Shit. Does that make me racist? Also, you must learn proper comma usage. <---- Btw, THAT is how you use a comma.