Wednesday, December 29, 2010

This is what I look like when I look like crap

So I was looking around on OkCupid today (that's right, OkCupid, fuck off) and came across a super cool profile of a girl that I could see myself being friends with. One of my favorite parts of her profile was that the caption under a super cute picture of her and a dog said: "This is what I look like when I look like crap." This is how I wanted to respond to her: "This is what I look like when I look like crap." (If you just clicked on that hyperlink, I'm sorry. Kind of. Ok not really, but I hope you weren't eating chocolate or going down on your girlfriend).

So instead of putting that disgusting hyperlink, I just told her about it because it is funny in that I-just-made-you-look-at-poop sort of way, but it is too disgusting to risk a possible friendship.

This experience got me to thinking of all the ways I use words to exaggerate how I look, what I'm feeling, how I describe other people, etc. Of course I had to draw pictures to go along with them. Here are some of the things I say and think, and why they don't make sense:

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse:

I'm so bored I'm going to explode:

I would die for a piece of chocolate:

I feel like such an asshole:

She has me wrapped around her finger:

I just want to cut him into a million pieces while remaining elusive and disciplined:

I'm so bloated I look like a hippopotamus and a hippo-sized pac man frog had sex and then the giant jelly-like eggs were pumped full of helium and then when they were born they ate a lot of McDonald's as tadpole-otamusses and went on to be in a special about obese children on day time TV:


Saturday, December 25, 2010

Obligatory Xmas post

I have to post something on Christmas, not because I pray to a masochistic zombie who was a pretty good Jewish boy in his day, but because it is rich with material begging for me to make fun of. Whether you believe in Jesus, Santa, Allah, Sheeba, God, Faeries, or Michael Jackson's innocence, this post is for you.

Hope your holidays are at least quasi-merry, that no one in your family stabs someone with the turkey knife, that no burglers posing as fat men in red suits broke into your house last night, and that a dog doesn't piss on you for being so god damned happy it's Christmas. Oh, and may the gods bless you if you're broke enough to have to have THAT job for the holidays.

Special thanks to James and Sam

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Weirdo Thought Bubble

There are those situations in life where one comes across people who are just effin weird. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with weird. I revel in weirdness. I went for 3 weeks eating whole cucumbers as snacks at work. I'm kind of a weirdo. That is exactly what a weirdo thought bubble is for. You see weirdo Dixie walking around nom nom nom-ing a whole cucumber and you think, weirdo. You see a guy walking around with underwear on the outside of his shorts, time for a weirdo thought bubble. Your mom tells you she thinks Bristol Palin is the coolest thing since sliced bread ever since she got on that Dancing with the Stars show, definitely time for a weirdo thought bubble. I mean take this for example:

I mean what the hell? It is quite obvious that dog is so ugly that it is hideous. You can't even tell it is a dog. It might be an obese skunk that got its tail chopped off in a near death experience with a bear trap. Or maybe someone gave growth hormones to their long haired guinea pig, it got mange, and developed Cushing's disease. It definitely isn't cute. Nothing is so ugly it's cute. Some things are so ugly you feel sorry for them so you want to make them feel better. Still not cute. That guy is definitely a weirdo, and thus the necessity for the weirdo thought bubble.

Welcome to Life in a Snowglobe

Welcome to Life in a Snowglobe. Have you ever wondered what it is like for those poor folks stuck in the watery, snow-flecked globes we call snow? Do you think that wit and sarcasm are necessary to make a sense of humor "good"? Would you laugh if I told you that I like when my dog licks my toes, or would you just call me a weirdo? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, keep looking at the screen. (It's ok to scroll down idiot, you won't be able to finish reading what I'm saying if you just stare at the screen and do nothing. Sheesh!) As I was saying, you have found a home. These things, and much more float around on this page like the very flakes of snowish goodness of it's namesake. Experience. Comment to your heart's content. Share with your friends. Enjoy.