Thursday, June 9, 2011

Bloody Hell

So I am menstruating. Isn't that incredible. What a way to embrace my femininity. Not! This sucks, but it is something I have learned to live with. This specific period has led me to be extra hot and swollen, and not in a porntastic way. I'm not one to stoically hide my discomfort, which led me to utter some of the montrosities of speech you'll see below.

I was having a run of the mill phone conversation with M'lady yesterday. We talked about dinner and school and said the regular "I love you's." I know it is hard to believe that I could be at a loss for words, but neither one of was very chatty. After hanging up I sent her a text.

ME:Oh, I forgot to mention that my pussy is bleeding like a stuck pig.

M'LADY: That just put the most disturbing image in my mind.

She described the image to me later on in shocking detail, which has been artistically interpreted below.

Disturbing indeed.

This was just the beginning. Later on that night, we were playing Qwirkle with The Man, and the following conversation ensued.

ME: Ugh! My mouth is so hot! I just want some frozen yogurt. You know, you could put the spout directly to my mouth, and while you're at it, put some in my vagina. Mmmm, that would feel nice. Yogurt is good for the natural flora you know.

M'LADY: Umm, not directly in your vag, hon.

ME: Whatever, I read a home remedy about it online. You just soak a tampon in yogurt then shove it up there.

THE MAN: That can't be good for you.

M'LADY: For real. What kind do you use, strawberry? Hahahaha!

ME: No, silly. You have to get the kind with probiotics.

THE MAN: Probiotics shouldn't go into your body. Well, I mean they can go through your digestive tract, but they definitely shouldn't go into your pussy.

ME: I wouldn't ACTUALLY do it. Geez. It would just FEEL good. Don't judge, I read this before I went to nursing school.

M'LADY: Was it before you went to Common Sense school too?

ME: Fuck you, I don't want common sense.

M'LADY: That is quite apparent. I'll be right back.

I abandoned the discussion as she left to ponder making ice cubes that looked like Qwirkle pieces but would turn clear when they melted, which is ironic, because she came back with an ice cube and put it up my hoo-ha. (Although it felt delightful, I do not recommend putting ice in your hoo-ha. It's no bueno to put water in there, I just don't care about degrees of bueno-ness.) We continued our game of Qwirkle and suddenly, I had to pee. I got up and immediately remembered that ice + body warmth = cold water.

ME: Oh god, I'll be right back.

M'LADY and THE MAN: Hahahahahajajajajajjahahahahajajahahajahjahaja!

I neared the bathroom door as watery blood dripped down my legs.

ME: Jesus! It looks like koolaid.

I sat down and the remaining contents of my ice cold menstruation made it's exit. Apparently it sounded quite disturbing because The Man was in the other room with a face contorted like five car pile up.

ME: It looks like a fucking massacre in here.

M'LADY: Oh god, did you leave a trail? Hahahaha

ME: You guys said you wanted stained concrete, right?

THE MAN: Ok that's enough! You have to stop! I can't take anymore of the period talk. Seriously. You two have gone beyond nastiness. Please stop! For the love of god!

ME: Stop telling me what to do or I'll squirt koolaid in your face!

THE MAN: Really?

I flushed the toilet, jumped in the shower, toweled off and jumped back in bed.

ME: I can't help it. I LOVE YOU!

And then it was time for bed.


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