ME: Son, what are you doing with that toothbrush? During shower time.
THE BOY: I'm brushing the elephant's teeth!HINT: The elephant is his penis. He then proceeds to play the drums with the toothbrush on his butt.
ME:Oh, I see. You know your dad brushes his teeth with that, right?
THE BOY: OH!!!! I better wash it off.
ME: What do you get when you cross a pair of glasses and a potato?
M'LADY: What?
ME: A spectator!
M'LADY: Dork!
ME: Asked during maternity clinical orientation. Are we actually going to be doing the vaginal exams to feel cervical dilation?
INSTRUCTOR: Yes you will.
UNNAMED CLASSMATE: Whispering. We're gonna be a'fistin'
ME: Son, do you feel like you have a lot of pressure on you?
THE BOY: Getting all worked up.Yes. I can't do everything. Everyone wants me to do all these things. I can't do everything! I can't fold clothes! I can't fly!"
ME: Stifling nearly uncontrollable laughter.
BACK STORY: My wife tricked me into drinking pee by saying what was in a cup in the car was pineapple Fanta. There was a Fanta logo on the cup. She's my wife. Of course I believed her. When I asked why she would make me drink her pee, she looked at me and asked why I thought she would pee in the car. Turns out the pee was our son's. She then called her sports team, Team Fanta. They had yellow bandanas. Bitch. I was on the yellow team the next week and she was on pink.
FACEBOOK POST: Team Fanta wins 10-9. Go Team Fanta!
M'LADY: When I'm on the yellow team it's called Team Fanta. When she's on the yellow team it's called Team I-drank-pee.
After putting the finishing paint touch ups on the apartment I was moving out of, I spill the entire paint can on the carpet.
ME: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-noooooooooo! I knew this was going to happen! Why me!?!?!?!?
M'LADY: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. She literally rolled on the floor laughing
ME: I guess that was a bit dramatic.
During our first game of Magic the Gathering. This conversation took place with dramatic intentional lisps.
M'LADY: Oh my God, it'sth the Human Berztherker.
ME: Oh thit.
THIS POST WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DRAMATICS
You still have yet to make me a picture of a vagina with dreadlocks. Hurumph!
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