Sunday, January 16, 2011

Hilarious quotes from my life

A FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND:In reference to the 12", 5 lb black dildo dubbed "Big Boy" my girlfriend forced me to bring out at a party. "Is that what you wanted me to get you at the store?"
FRIEND: "I said I wanted a vibrator, not an elephant cock!"

ME: "[The Blogess] is awesome! She has a polydactyl kitten!"
CLAUDEGIRL: "Does that mean it can read minds?"

ME: "What cut of beef makes the most money?"
FRIENDS: "I dunno. What?"
ME: "Strip steak." Hehehehe. I made a funny.

COWORKER: "What? What?" In reference to yet another computer problem.
ME: "In the butt." I have no filter. At all.
If you don't know what that refers to, watch this:

LESBIAN COWORKER: After a discussion about transgender surgery and gag gifts."Have you ever seen fake nuts?"
ME: "Yeah. No. Yeah. Wait, what kind of fake nuts are you talking about?"
LESBIAN COWORKER: "You know, fake nuts."
ME: "You mean the toy kind or the dildo kind?" And then I blush.
LESBIAN COWORKER: "Um, the kind you get from surgery."
ME: "Riiiiiggggghhht."

ME: At my first baby shower ever. "What do you call poo flavored baby food?"
ME: "Two babies one cup! Heyo!" That is an original, thank you very much.
FRIEND'S SISTER: "Ew!" She calls her sister over. "I don't want to sit next to her anymore."

ME: "Hey honey, you want to hear a joke i just made up about you?"
ME: "Ok, here goes. My girlfriend loves bacon so much, going down on her violates kosher law."
GIRLFRIEND: Giggling. "That's why I love you."

CROATIAN COWORKER: In reference to the picture of a man holding a fawn.
"Is that a penguin?"
ME: Laughing hysterically. "Um, no. It's a fawn."
CROATIAN COWORKER: "You mean it's not a penguin. You know, the thing that jumps around on two legs?"
ME: "You mean a kangaroo?" Tears are forming in my eyes from laughter.
CROATIAN COWORKER: "No, I thought it's penguin."
ME: "Well it's a fawn. A baby deer. You know, like Bambi?"
ME: "Do they not have Disney where you're from?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "They don't have this where I come from."
CLAUDEGIRL: "They don't have animals where you come from?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "All we have is cow and bear."
T%ears are pouring down my air choked, reddened face as I cross my legs, fearing I will piss myself.
ME: "Here, they look like this when they grow up?" I point to an image of a full grown deer.
CROATIAN COWORKER: "Oh! I know this one. I hit this one with car!" She's beaming.
CLAUDEGIRL: "You hit Bambi?" how can she not be on the floor in a ball in hysterics like i am?
CROATIAN COWORKER: "You know, I was hit by truck."
CLAUDEGIRL: "Woah! Like a truck-truck?"
CROATIAN COWORKER: "By 18-wheeler. I was hit three times."
ME: Making the straightest trying-not-to-burst-into-a-laughing-puddle face as possible. "Were you hit by three 18-wheelers, or just one 18-wheeler three times?" Claudegirl hits me.
CROATIAN COWORKER: "It was same truck hit me three times. It was when I was sixteen. It ran over my head. I was in hospital long time."
ME: "That explains a lot." Oh. Shit. Damn you faulty brain-to-mouth filter!

After a million apologies speckled with uncontrollable laughter and Claudegirl hitting me several times, Croatian Coworker said it was cool. I don't think she was offended. Probably because she was run over so many time. Please don't hate me. A real life conversation like that is a gold mine. It would have been a waste not to let other people enjoy it.


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