Friday, January 21, 2011

Stop playing with your food and other imaginings

I am truly a child. This is a fact I know. In my infinite quest as a kid to be a mature adult I forgot to do one thing---grow up. While therapists will propagate the ideal of embracing one's inner child, it seems that this practice is best undertaken with moderation. I do not know moderation. I do not do things half-assed. Thus, my childishness borders on the lines of absurdity and, much to the embarassment of those who choose to be in my company, utter tactlesness.

I often think of things out of context. I know what things mean in context. I just don't think they're that much fun. I choose to play around and get creative with interpretation of everyday requests, like when my girlfriend tells me not to play with my food (it kinda sets a bad example for her kid). Most adults would realize the silliness of being a "grown-up" playing with their food and would simply stop. On the contrary, I look at her quizically, burst out laughing uncontrollably for twenty seconds, stifle my laughter, and continue playing. What is so funny you ask? I'll show you:

I mean imagine me playing a game of checkers with a chicken drumstick. Hilarious! Why wouldn't I laugh hysterically in her general direction. To further prove the hilarity of these out of context imaginings, I feel the desire to draw a picture, just like any child would. Of course I draw the picture weeks later so it is even further out of context. She asks me what I'm drawing.

HER: "Is that a drumstick?"

ME: Heeheheheheheeehehehehehe. "Yeeessssssss."

HER: "Of course it is. Stop playing with your food young lady."

ME: "You get it! See, it's me playing with a drumstick because I'm playing with my food and that's what I imagined the other day."

HER: Shakes head. "I love you."

I also run into "Oooh,shiny!" moments quite often. I'll be in the middle of a car-ride conversation, listening to the basics of organic chemistry or how recent social change is affecting the community, when seemingly out of nowhere I'll see a billboard, or a classic car, or a dead raccoon on the road. The topic has to change. I HAVE to let someone else no what I saw.

ME: "Did you see that?"

THEM: "See what?"

ME: "It was a billboard of a dead raccoon driving a 1920s Ford."

THEM: "What does that have to do with social change regarding organic chemistry?"

ME: "It was AWESOME! We should turn around."

THEM: "Dude, that's ridiculous. Now as I was saying..."

ME: "I think it would've made more sense if the raccoon was alive."

THEM: "What? I'm talking about something important here."

ME: "It would be important for the raccoon to be alive too. I mean he could wreck if he were dead. He wouldn't know what was going on at all."

THEM: "Raccoons can't drive cars! It was a fucking billboard, Dixie!"

ME: "Well maybe we should report them for false advertising."

THEM: "I don't think they were trying to sell anything. There is no false advertising. You are crazy."

ME: "I'm not crazy. You're the one who thinks social change is affected by organic chemistry. It is obviously affected much more by billboards."

THEM: "What the hell are you talking about?"

ME: "Oh my god! Did you see that guy's mohawk?"

THEM: "I give up."

I love the people in my life for putting up with me. They keep me in touch with reality and in return I provide them with exciting, though occasionally obnoxious, entertainment at no cost. It really says a lot to the quality of friend I choose. In fact...Hey, did you see that?


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