This is what I look like when I look like crap

So I was looking around on OkCupid today (that's right, OkCupid, fuck off) and came across a super cool profile of a girl that I could see myself being friends with. One of my favorite parts of her profile was that the caption under a super cute picture of her and a dog said: "This is what I look like when I look like crap." This is how I wanted to respond to her: "This is what I look like when I look like crap." (If you just clicked on that hyperlink, I'm sorry. Kind of. Ok not really, but I hope you weren't eating chocolate or going down on your girlfriend).

So instead of putting that disgusting hyperlink, I just told her about it because it is funny in that I-just-made-you-look-at-poop sort of way, but it is too disgusting to risk a possible friendship.

This experience got me to thinking of all the ways I use words to exaggerate how I look, what I'm feeling, how I describe other people, etc. Of course I had to draw pictures to go along with them. Here are some of the things I say and think, and why they don't make sense:

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse:


I'm so bored I'm going to explode:


I would die for a piece of chocolate:


I feel like such an asshole:

She has me wrapped around her finger:

I just want to cut him into a million pieces while remaining elusive and disciplined:

I'm so bloated I look like a hippopotamus and a hippo-sized pac man frog had sex and then the giant jelly-like eggs were pumped full of helium and then when they were born they ate a lot of McDonald's as tadpole-otamusses and went on to be in a special about obese children on day time TV:

THIS POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY OCD